some things are better left

Drop dead, Kelsi

If you know anything about me at all,

then you know the only thing I love more

than Mormons are pasteurized pop artists.

So imagine my physical excitement at discovering

those Mormon “country singer” sisters of SHeDAISY!!!!

From their wacky, who-the-hell-knows-why-

they-use-that-freaky-mostly-capitilized-but-not-

completely spelling of SHeDAISY, to the fact that they

are dyed (blonde) in the wool (SHeepDAISY?) members

of my second favorite cult, SHeDAISY has a fan in me

for life. Although the lovely sisters Kristyn and Kassidy are fantastic,

my personal fave SHeDAISY is Kelsi,

for a whole host of reasons. Among them: Kelsi has blue eyes,

(me too!); Kelsi loves anything chocolate, (No way, ohmygod,

me too! Although I thought Mormons weren’t allowed to have caffeine?);

and Kelsi loves musical theater and going to the movies, (this is

too freaky, so do I!!!!). And last but not least, Kelsi’s favorite movie

is Far and Away, during filming of which those kooky

Scientologists Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman met and fell in

whatever it is Scientologists fall in, and got married!! So my favorite

member of my second favorite cult loves a movie starring

a couple of members of my number one favorite cult!!! It’s just too

perfect.

Like Kelsi (pictured, center) herself, see?

Kelsi, Kelsi, Kelsi,

I love you more than any other Mormon.

Now that’s really saying something! You can learn more about Kelsi and SHeDAISY by

CLICKING HeRe

I hate to say I told you so

for last month's Mainstream March On Washington

for Gay Families with Children, or whatever

it was called, but even I couldn't have imagined

the missing $750,000 from the vendor fair.

As lawyer/activist Bill Dobbs has pointed

out, and I am paraphrasing here, "This is so Human Rights Campaign!!"

Oscar Night Buzz!!

* It should have been either "Blame Canada" or "Save Me," but it was Phil Collins. Why should the Oscars be any less disappointing than the Grammys?

* Did you see Ricky Martin's lips quiver during the sexuality portion of Barbara Walter's pre-Oscar special? Me and The Colonel were there when she filmed the beginning and end of that show, see below.

* Actual Tyra Banks quote from the pre-show ceremonies: "There were a lot of high, really impactful movies this year...." Also, her hipster, "you better work it, girl" snap-snap-snap stuff stopped being hipster circa 1992.

* I'm glad for Angelina and I hope she has gotten it back together and that the reports from my fashion industry friends are history. KEEP IT TOGETHER LITTLE LADY!!! And also, I wanted Chloe to get it, just to see if her voice might have gone up an octave if she had any level of excitement in her affect for once in her life. Is she actually still with Harmony?

* I wanted the little kid from Murphy Brown to win and not Michael Caine because Cider House was like a Chinese dinner and also because I love the novel a lot more. Mr. Caine's speech was fab, tho.

* Best appearance at the Oscars by a Scientologist: Isaac Hayes, we can dig it.

* Least congruous singer? Tie! Robin Williams and Garth Brooks. Say, was that charming Chris Gaines busy?

* I'll probably go to bed before Hilary loses to Annette for that vastly, vastly overrated movie of Sam Mendes's. How on Earth could such a gay creative team come up with a movie so messed up about sexuality starring a male lead so messed up about his real-life sexuality? Oh, sorry, I partly answered my own question there.

* At least fucking All About My Mother won. Muy bien, Pedro Almodovar!!! One thing I love actually worked out!! Yay! It can happen!!

P.S.: * See, if I had stayed up to watch the whole thing, Hilary Swank would have lost so I am glad I went to bed so that she could deliver a thoughtful and intelligent acceptance speech and we could see her sensitive husband whom I loved on "Life Goes On."

* John Irving has been a hero of mine, which means he can be completely inspiring and exasperating. But it was cool that he mentioned Planned Parenthood and the National Abortion Rights Action League in his acceptance speech for best screenplay. The novel's better, btw.

Leelee, you've got me on my knees

In the midst of my fever I turned on

"The Rosie O'Donnell Show,"

a program I haven't seen in years.

There was that little CC logo in the corner, which

in my delirium,

I thought stood for "Closet Case."

Rosie was just beginning an interview with Leelee Sobieski,

a woman in her late teens who is apparently an actor and with whose

work I am unfamiliar.

Rosie gushed about the job Leelee did in portraying

Joan of Arc in a TV movie and asked if it were hard

to wear the body armor in the battle scenes of the proto-feminist-

warrior-nutjob-saint.

Leelee explained that they filmed in winter and that

"Metal transists the cold, so it was freezing!"

Rosie asked Leelee if her parents were thrilled that

she is an actress and Leelee replied that her parents

would support her,

"As long it continues passioning me."

Naturally, Leelee is my complete new favorite.

She is starring in Here on Earth with Chris Klein,

who was so great in the excellent Election and who

plays Kelvin "Kelley" Morse in Here on Earth. You know what

kelvin is, don't you? A heat measurement. Michael Rooker, who

always reminded me of David Morse, is also in it; he had the title

role in Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer, which made me

think of Henry Rollins, whose best friend Joe Cole was murdered

and then Sonic Youth wrote a song about him.

Which is the way my brain works. With or without a fever. Which

reminds me of the excellent Kristin Hirsch song, "Feverfew." Or

maybe it was Throwing Muses.

Joni Mitchell never lies

a little bit better and totally

tired of being in the house,

so I went downtown to buy some underwear,

illness be danged.

I was in the market for some new Jockey boxer briefs,

I have no idea where my old underwear has been disappearing.

I think it had started out to be one of those

glorious, sunny days that sometimes happen in early Springtime

but by the time I got out of the house the sky had

grown overcast, which reflected how I felt physically.

I bought the underwear (which wound up being

too big) and then I went to HMV. HMV is

never my first choice for CD stores but

the Newbury Comics in that part of town was

surprisingly closed. I guess there isn't

enough traffic on Sundays, or maybe the

staff was all under the weather, too.

I was actually only

in the market for a video head cleaner

because I was

going to be taping about six hours of

Academy Awards for my friend and I realized

that I had never cleaned the heads on my

vcr, ever, and that it would be embarrassing to

give somebody a tape marked "Oscars 2K" and

to have it be nothing but staticky snow

especially since there weren't going to be

any dance numbers.

So I bought a decent head cleaner and was

heading toward the door when I went past

a "listening station" stocked with the new

Joni Mitchell album, "Both Sides Now," named after

her old song, "Both Sides, Now," but without

the comma for some reason.

I had read that the album was Joni singing to

symphonic arrangements, which could be a good thing

or a horrible thing, and I was curious to hear a bit.

I put the headphones on and skipped to the last track,

the title song, reinterpreted all these years later.

Lemme tell ya. There's something about Joni now,

at her age, singing those lyrics that just

about slayed me.

I could feel my eyes welling up with tears and

thought, "Okay, take off the headphones and buy

the cd and go home and listen to it,"

but I didn't really have any more money

after buying the head cleaner

and then I felt sort of adamant about not

caring if the song moved me in the way

that great art sometimes does and

really, what business would it be if

anybody else saw me being moved, for god's sake?

And there it was, Joni's voice a bit more world weary,

her words describing the heartbreaking contradictions

of life and love, the shadow and the light,

the peace and the anxiety,

the wants and the needs, the sweet and the sour,

the way that life can sometimes push and pull you

simultaneously until you might implode or blow apart

under the weight of the sheer wonder and hope

and sorrow of it all.

So yeah, this was all going through my head,

and the song was long and I was crying a lot and I

seriously considered folding my arm

against the wall and leaning on it and sobbing deeply

but then I figured at some point somebody

would be really disturbed by this

and I could just imagine someone coming up to me and

saying, "Ma'am, are you all right?"

and then I remembered, "Hey, I'm a guy."

The song finished and I left the store and

"Both Sides Now," without the comma, has been going

through my brain ever since. I don't know if I

should just go to Newbury Comics and buy it.

I don't know if I can take it.

I really don't know love at all.

(By the way, that's not true.

You didn't believe me, right?)

As it turned out, my friend didn't need me to tape

the Academy Awards after all.

Hola Barbara y Puerto Rico

in February to thaw out from the endless

gray New England winter.

As luck would have it, we were there

for Ricky Martin’s triumphant

homecoming three-night concert stand.

Not that we went or even tried to

get tickets, but

it was enough just being on the same island,

you know? No?

We did run into Barbara Walters,

who was in San Juan taping a Ricky Martin profile

for her Oscar night special.

She looked a bit bedraggled when she arrived

at the fort of San Cristobal, but just a few short minutes with

her hairdresser (ironically, his name was “Bwian,” as

The Colonel quoted Babs saying, “Bwian, bwing me my bwush,”)

and Barbara was quickly transformed into Babwa

all ready to breathlessly read

into the camera.

Here are some things I learned on our Puerto Rico vacation:

* Warm azure ocean waters really are good for what ails you

* Puerto Rican men may wear more gold jewelry per capita than even Italian-American men!

* Old San Juan has gorgeous balconies along its streets, (pictured, below) and the Pina Colada was invented there

* Valentine’s Day is a BIG deal in Puerto Rico

* The island of Puerto Rico is 80% mountains

* There is a cool rainforest there (pictured, below)

* Puerto Rican coffee is so strong, it makes Starbucks seem under-roasted

* At Burger Kings in San Juan you can get cappuccino for 60 cents

* Puerto Rican people are warm, friendly, and very patient when you repeatedly order “Thursdays and cheese” instead of “eggs and cheese” for breakfast

* Never go on a cruise or you will look as dorky as all the cruise-goers we saw on the island, and the natives really do make fun of them when they leave... I guess they might have made fun of us when we left, now that I think of it...

* If you fall on the ice and you break a rib and it makes you feel a level of despair over New England winters the likes of which you have rarely seen, you might compensate for the pain by walking funny, thereby injuring your back. Should this happen right before you are scheduled to go on vacation, you're screwed. Unless, like me, you are lucky enough to travel with a massage therapist, like the Colonel. His healing hands made my mobility around Puerto Rico possible. Why, I know someone who claims to have had over 300 massages in his life and after having just one massage by The Colonel, he declared him the best. I wish I could give you his name but he might get kicked out of the military. Also, my niece, who is herself a gifted massage therapist, would probably want to have a massage-off to see who really gets to claim the title!

* Coqui frogs are adorable and only live on the island of Puerto Rico.

Don’t Cher Those Germs!

he got free tickets to see Cher in concert

and he thought of me immediately, which I am

not sure why exactly but I was flattered

he thought of me so I went with him to see Cher

and the tickets were marked $75.25.

When the tour came by this way last summer

they were only $70.25 (with 25 cents going to

charity, I am not making that up)

but there was no mention of charity this time.

After one song Cher announced that she

was “really really really sick,”

which must have been the case because she

said “really” three times.

But she announced that she would do

her best and guys like me and Barry

(and you know what kind of guys I mean)

are nothing if not suckers for a trouper who

strives and triumphs in the face of adversity.

Kisses 4 U!!!

Back Issues!!!

If you want to read the comical yet nearly tragic

Queen almost killed by beaver

If you want to read the anticipatory heartbreak of

can be as bad as one

[ Click Here ]

If you want to read the surprisingly bilious

My favorite Mormons

Or, to go back and refresh your memory with our pilot edition from from more than nine months ago

[ Cick Here ]

Okay, so I guess that's it for now... Ya'll come back real soon now,
ya'hear?
'Cuz you never know when something exciting is gonna pop up.
Until then, I hope you found this edition high and really impactful.