My Favorite Mormons
Politix
Forget Republican presidential candidate Orrin Hatch (hereafter I won’t bother mentioning
a party affiliation because I don’t want to continually retype, “conservative Republican, slightly to
the right of Atilla the Hun”). But he’s not my favorite Mormon politician. That has to be Mitt
Romney. Romney made his millions in the ’80s as a venture capitalist (“Oh no, venture
capitalists from the ’80s with the 666’s on the backs of their heads!!”) and is president of Bain
Capital. He is also director of the scandal-shamed 2002 Salt Lake City Olympic Committee. But
Mitt’s biggest claim to fame was his attempt to win Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat in 1994. He didn’t
win, of course, because new money is always trumped by old. I once saw Romney walking down
Dartmouth Street in Boston as I exited Starbucks. Like many Mormon men he has a certain
non-descript autmomoton kind of handsome. He’s also obviously hairy like an Osmond, which has
to stand for ... I don’t know what. Manliness? Anyway, he went into neither Starbucks nor the Senate.
Music
A major portion of the Mormon music-makers list is occupied by the toothsome Osmonds, but there’s also Gladys Knight (Gladys Knight!).
I once saw Donny Osmond in Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (I
got tickets for free) and it was worse than the dreadful Starlight Express and almost as bad
as the awful Cats. But my favorite musical Mormon is Tal Bachman, not because I
totally dig his disposo-pop (I only partially dig that), but because of this quote he gave a Mormon
publication: “I want to see the youths of Zion become stronger,” he said. “I get disgusted when these
kids rebel for rebellion’s sake. They don't have to be gentiles.” WHAT?
Jox
I used to drool over the sight of the hands of former Boston Red Sox pitcher Bruce Hurst (all the other homo sox fans thought I was mental, but I didn't care who knew of my love for Bruce).
BEAR magazine readers love Merlin Olsen. I liked him until he opened his mouth.
Too fey for me. The whole world loves super-pious football star Steve Young, and he does
have that plastic handsome look so common among his tribe, which is not to say I don’t appreciate
it. But the greatest Mormon sports hero of all time has to be former pro wrestler, “Super Fly”
Jimmy Snuka. That’s athleticism, that’s Mormonism!!
TV
Jane Clayson brings that brittle, just-about-to-shatter Mormon Woman Affect to “The
Early Show” as she contemplates her position as umpteenth morning show “wife” of the
insuffereable Bryant Gumble. Glen Larson created “Battlestar Galactica.” Gordon
Jump was the station owner on “WKRP” and also molested Gary Coleman’s best friend on a
very special episode of “Diff’rent Strokes” (indeed!). But my favorite TV Mormon of all-time is
Johnnie Whitaker who played Jody on “Family Affair,” which means my friend Kelly
would be jealous of the time he got to spend with Mr. French while I am jealous of the time he spent
with Uncle Bill. My ex-lover (whose name escapes me) had a friend named Jerry who moved to
West Hollywood in the late-’80s, (which was the gay equivalent of a Mormon Republican
becoming a venture capitalist.) Anyway, Jerry is one of the funniest people I have ever met and he
came back for a visit once and told us about how a new neighbor in his WeHo apartment complex
had invited him for a get-acquainted dinner. The new neighbor’s friend was making a salad in the
kitchen and according to Jerry, “He turned around and it was, for all the world, goddamn Jody from Family Affair.”
Jerry said Jody was “questioning things” in West Hollywood. I have no idea what he meant by that.
My Favorite Mormon of All Time!
This title has to go to British mystery novelist Anne Perry who managed to keep secret for
decades the fact that as a young girl she went along with her childhood friend as that friend
bludgeoned her own mother to death. This incident was made into the fantastic movie Heavenly
Creatures,which I highly recommend. After the movie was released, Perry publically owned up
to her past, (mere minutes after a British tabloid contacted her about her secret identity). Kate Winslet played the girl who grew up,
discovered and coverted to Mormonism in California in the early-’70s, and then reinvented herself
as Anne Perry. Good for you, Anne!!
There! Being nice to Mormons, just as I was told I should be!!
You can learn more funny things about Mormons by seeing Trey Parker and Matt Stone's movie Orgazmo,
the excellent indie film SLC Punk, Tony Kushner's epic Pulitzer- and Tony Award-winning play Angels in America,
the book The Four Major Cults by Anthony A. Hoekema, and "The Donnie and Marie Show," check your local television stations for times and channels.
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